How to Impress Girls
According to An Eleven-Year-Old Boy
Do a High Kick:
If you kick really high when a girl is watching, she’ll have to like you.
Perform The "Near Fall”:
Or, surprise her with this one: pretend to fall and then, at the last second, roll out of it and stand up like, “oh you thought I was gonna fall?” Girls love agile guys.
Show Her Your Pokémon Trading Cards:
Now that Amy Hoople — I mean she — she’s all weak in the knees because of your crazy reflexes, show her your rare shiny Blastoise Pokémon card and even maybe let her hold it for a second, if she asks. Don’t let her take it out of its protective case. Make her respect you.
Jump Off the Swings:
Still not getting the girl? Get on the swings and go really high. Like, super high. Wait until your future wife approaches, then, right as she’s nearing the monkey bars you jump off the swings and, if you can, blow a kiss at her while you’re in the air. By the time you land you’ll basically be dating.
Know Stuff:
This one will definitely get her attention. Try saying something you know to your friends — like how wombats are marsupials — but say it loud enough so that Amy hears it and understands that you’re a man.
Win at Four Square:
I don’t know why none of these have worked so far? I won at four square all recess and Amy Hoople still says she likes Dwayne Williams. Girls are confusing.
Pop A Wheelie:
Why is Amy— I mean, the girl still not talking to you? Probably because she hasn’t seen you pop a sick wheelie. If you hold the wheelie for more than five seconds then she’ll talk about you at lunch where all the girls sit together and talk about stuff and giggle.
Throw Something Really Far:
This one has to work. Pick up a stick or a rock or a crabapple and throw it far. If Amy sees you throwing something really far, she’ll be attracted to you immediately. I’m absolutely certain of it.
Build a Cool Fort With your Dad in Minecraft:
Build a cool Minecraft fort, show it off to your friends but then be like, “woops, didn’t see you walking by, Amy. Just showing off this HUGE fort that I built with my Dad.”
Have Your Parents Drive A Cooler Car:
She probably doesn’t like you because your mom drives a taupe Subaru Outback. If your mom would just buy a Dodge Viper, or at least a Corvette, you might have a chance at making Amy think about holding hands with you as much as you think about holding hands with her.
Send A Note:
Pick a girl that’s trying to be friends with the girl you like. But make sure the girl you choose isn’t too popular, like Ellie Mnorczyk. That way you can be sure she’ll deliver the note and won’t show it to anyone else because you wrote stuff that you really mean.
Don’t Send A Note Through Ellie Mnorczyk:
Especially if it’s a note to Amy Hoople, because she’ll just share it with everyone at recess and they’ll all laugh at the poem you wrote.
Sit at the Front of the Bus:
If you’re really cool, you can sit at the front of the bus and talk to the bus driver. You’re not sitting there because everyone in the back is talking about your love poem and chanting things like “If you’d be my girlfriend, I’d show you the world, friend!” No, you’re just making everyone jealous that an adult is talking to you and treating you like an equal.
Don’t Be Afraid of Dogs:
If you’re trying to practice your high kicks over the weekend don’t do them in the park where there are big scary dogs. And especially don’t run away from the dogs and scream as Amy and all her friends just happen to be walking by. Most dogs online look friendly unless they’re barking, but in real life they’re big and they smell. Running away from a barking dog should be OK, but apparently cool kids have to be able to pet barking dogs.
Don’t invite Amy to Your Birthday Party:
By starting a rumor that you’re not inviting Amy to your birthday party you’re showing that you’re too cool. This only works if Amy cares.
Tell Amy She Smells:
I told Amy she smelled when she was in line at the water fountain and then I ran into the bathroom and hid in a stall.
Who Needs Girls Anyway:
I’m gonna go make another fort with my Dad and Amy hates me and everyone still hasn’t stopped talking about the note and its been like four days and I don’t like school.
Ignore Amy Hoople:
I’m not even going to look at her anymore.
Oh Now Ellie says Amy Likes Me:
I don’t understand girls.
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FOOD: 3.6 |
Wraps galore are on offer at Market Street Eats. I got the Buddah (sic) Wrap as it was dubbed “An MSE Favorite!” by the menu itself. Featuring a crispy, flour wrap around eggs, Havarti cheese, bacon, avocado, tomato and onion, this karma-infused wrap was well balanced and disappeared hastily. The egg was done in a traditional over medium/hard style and the ingredients were fresh. It was the sort of wrap I could see eating on the way to a ski trip or walk in the woods. It was not necessarily a meal I’d ever sit down and savor, though. This was a tasty meal that easily delivered a food fix. |
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PRICE: Marketable |
$1/2 — Cheap wraps, anywhere from $4 - $6. You won’t feel cheated, nor will you feel you’ve gotten the deal of the century. Good, sturdy prices. |
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AMBIENCE: Burlington, VT |
There’s something about the memorabilia on the walls, the whimsical menu item names, and the casual, varnished-wood atmosphere of the place that somehow says, “these owners probably support marijuana legalization.” |
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SERVICE: ' Street Vendor Style |
I ordered from the cook. He cooked the food. He rang me up. He gave me the food. A fine situation and a nice gentleman to boot. |
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EAT OR SKIP: Eat |
Market Street Eats is one more solid notch on the Portland Food Belt Of Gloating Rights. While it doesn’t necessarily blow the socks clean off the feet, it’s a nice little place that makes a great breakfast wrap (I can’t speak so much for their lunch wraps, there are very very many. Lunch will be handled in a separate post). If I lived closer I would probably drop by on the way to work. Of course, this is no Dutch’s or Ohno situation, which is fine; those two juggernauts are not within the realm of mortal cooks. Market Street Eats does its thing its way and that way is fine with me. |
Market Street Eats
Portland's Old Port
Across from the Regency Hotel
36 Market Street
Portland, ME 04101
207-773-3135