Fernando's Mexican Cuisine - Dallas, TX

Have you heard of Paulo Profundo? Biggest man who ever lived!


They say Paulo could jump a river lengthwise.

In fact, Ol’ Heck Juggins saw Paulo barefoot kick a cactus in two! Swore it on his only son.


I heard Paulo could ride two bulls at once. Not only that, but he’d do it whistling as sweet a tune as you’d like to hear in the bushes on a hot Texas morning. That Paulo: larger than life itself!


Well, one day Paulo went to Fernando’s: the home of the biggest drink special a man could possibly devise. Five Bloody Marys for $8.

Yip yip! 

Shot ℅ Yelp 

$8! And each glass big enough to drown an armadilla! And the alcohol! Hoooweee! Just one whiff could get grand-pappy misty about the Alamo!


When old Paulo stomped in, he had a brushfire in his eye; he was there for the deal and the full deal he would have. Why, I was there I tell ya! I saw it all!


I was just settin’ at the bar when Paulo saunters in. You knew it was Paulo by the clang of his spurs. Glinting silver they were – big as hubcaps. 


The first drink was hardly on the table before Paulo grabbed and downed it in three bobs of his shapely adam’s apple.


Then he ordered a plate of chilaquiles and threw them out the window! He even tucked a crisp one into the waitress’ blouse, saying they’d been “delicioso.” By golly if that waitress didn’t blush brighter ’n’ a Plano sunset.


The second Bloody, why Paulo ate the entire thing! Plastic and all! Said it tasted like chicken; though anybody with half a brain knows plastic tastes like plastic. But by God if we didn’t believe him!


Third drink Paulo makes a show of. He wraps a nostril around the straw and sucks the whole lot up his snoot! Sounded like a fire hose caught in a sinkhole!

Heck, he even snorted the lime!


Now on the fourth drink Paulo starts to show wear. Sweat poppin’ up, lookin’ around like he’s some kinda mad. Like we was all there to see him fail! Why, not a soul in Fernando’s wanted to see Paulo go down before the fifth. Not even Fernando himself!


Anyway! Fourth drink Paulo pours into a bowl of queso and eats with a fork. Oddest thing I ever seen.


By that point, big old Paulo was huffing like a beestung buffalo. Man could empty a whiskey barrel for breakfast but by golly if those four Bloody Marys didn’t have him reeling. Jimbo Cotter swore he saw vapor lines comin’ out of Paulo’s mouth, but I don’t give that no truck because Jimbo Cotter is a thief. Still has my torque wrench.


The plate landed on a young boy. Turned him into a man!

Pic ℅ FunthingstodoinDallas


Well, you can bet Fernando himself was shaking when he put down that fifth Mary. Paulo stared at it for what must’ve been three hours. Hell, we missed the whole ball game waiting for him to make a move!


Finally, Paulo puts a big old mitt around the drink. Everybody’s holding their breath. Not a sound in the place but air wheezin’ outta old man Olynn’s oxygen tank. And what does Paulo do but lift that drink skyward and dump it over his head!


Well we all thought he’d lost it. Reckon’d he’d bought the ranch without walkin’ the fenceline! But then Paulo, he beckons Lynn Liedel to come and feel his hair.




Turns out Paulo’d absorbed that last Mary through osmosis! Damnedest thing anyone’s ever seen.


Why we had a parade that very day for Paulo and he was the only one in all of Dallas who didn’t come. In fact, Paulo robbed us all blind while we was out at the parade.


And can you guess who was angry? Not a one of us!


That Paulo. Biggest man who ever lived.



3.5 Stars

More Tex than Mex. This is ideal comfort food while recovering from a raucous night-before.



Given the grub vs. price ratio, you might as well be kissing Ayn Rand smack on her scowling mouth.



Looks like any restaurant ever. Nothing standout good or bad here.


Clasped hands

Good stuff.



Really depends on your situation. If you want a pile of food to shove down your face-hole, it’s a great choice. If you’re looking for an authentic and original spot for some Mexican cuisine, this is not it.