Brookside Bagels - Simsbury, CT

I love Brookside Bagels. Let me state that fact plain. This does not come from any nepotism or even monetary coercion. Brookside Bagels, unsurprisingly, makes duper-fine bagels. In fact, I put together a couple of *gratis* ads for Brookside out of the kindness of my bagel-lurving heart. However, upon sharing the scripts with Brookside themselves, I received a less-than-carefully worded rejection. 

I was all like: SRSLY?! I mean c'mon. Who would turn down some free ads?

So instead, I've put them below for you to read. You be the judge!


BRIEF LIST OF AD TERMINOLOGY:

VO: Voice Over. Lines of dialogue delivered by an unseen person.

CUT: An abrupt transition between two scenes OR when the camera switches position.

SFX: Sound effects.

SPOT: A complete piece of advertising.

MONTAGE: A rapid succession of scenes. Used to tell a visual story without dialogue.



SPOT 1: BAGEL AFICIONADO

OPEN ON A MAN KISSING HIS WIFE GOODBYE BEFORE WORK. HE GIVES HIS SON A PAT ON THE HEAD.

VO: Bagel aficionados know...

THE MAN WALKS OUT OF HIS FRONT DOOR AND DOWN THE STONE PATH. HE STOPS HALFWAY, AND TURNS BACK TO LOOK AT HIS FAMILY IN THE DOORWAY.

VO: If your family can’t appreciate a homemade, delicious bagel from Brookside Bagels...

THE SON GIVES A TENTATIVE WAVE TO THE FATHER. A TEAR SPRINGS TO THE WIFE’S EYE.

VO: You get the hell out.

THE MAN FLIPS HIS FAMILY THE BIRD, SPITS ON THE SIDEWALK, AND PEELS AWAY ON A DODGE TOMAHAWK.


The lovechild of Easy Rider and Transformers 4: Seizure Explosionbots

Image C/O these guys with an apt name

And their source.




SPOT 2: THE BIRDS AND THE BAGELS

OPEN ON A LITTLE GIRL. SHE STANDS ON TIPTOES TO LOOK OVER THE COUNTER.

GIRL: Mommy, where do bagels come from?

MOM, FROM THE KITCHEN SINK, SMILES AT HER DAUGHTER. 

MOM: Well, honey. It all starts with a Daddy bagel and a Mommy bagel.

CUT TO A BAR SCENE USING SHIMMERY DREAM VFX. A BAGEL WITH A MUSTACHE, SMOKING A BLACK AND MILD, WALKS UP TO A BAGEL WEARING TOO MUCH MAKEUP AND A LOW CUT TOP.

MOM VO: The daddy bagel gets a good drunk on before finding the loosest mommy bagel in the joint.

THE MUSTACHE BAGEL STARTS FRENCHING THE LOW-CUT TOP WEARING BAGEL.

MOM VO: Then they get after it... raw dog. Do you know what raw dog means?

CUT BACK TO THE KITCHEN. THE DAUGHTER SHAKES HER HEAD. THE MOM RUFFLES HER HAIR.

MOM: Oh to be young... Well, let’s just say that they find a crusty motel and slam thatch.

CUT TO THE FRONT OF AN ECONOLODGE. A SINGLE ROOM IS LIT. SILHOUETTED BY CHEAP, RED CURTAINS, WE CAN MAKE OUT A ROTUND THRUSTING FORM.

MOM VO: Then, 9 months later... 

CUT TO A CALENDAR. 9 MONTHS WHIZZ BY.

MOM VO: Once the Daddy bagel is long gone.

CUT TO MOMMY BAGEL WITH A SIGNIFICANT BUMP -- WHERE HER BAGEL-HOLE SHOULD BE -- SMOKING A CIGARETTE, STARING OUT AN UNWASHED WINDOW. 

CUT TO THE FLOOR, A WET SPOT HAS APPEARED BENEATH HER ON THE BEIGE SHAG CARPET. THE MOMMY BAGEL STARES AT IT FOR A LONG TIME. 

MOMMY BAGEL: *Sighs*

CUT TO THE MOMMY BAGEL IN A SANITARY ROBE AND HEAD COVERING ON DELIVERY ROOM TABLE. DOUGH IS EVERYWHERE. BEADS OF PERSPIRATION APPEAR ON HER DETERMINED BAGELFACE. 

SFX: BABY'S WAIL

MOM VO: The mommy bagel goes to the baker. And...

CUT BACK TO THE KITCHEN. THE MOM WHIPS OUT A BAKER’S DOZEN OF WARM BROOKSIDE BAGELS FROM BEHIND HER BACK.

MOM: Voila! Bagels for everyone!

THE GIRL CHEERS AND WE SEE BEAUTY SHOTS OF THE BAGELS BEING TOASTED AND CREAM CHEESE BEING APPLIED.

CUT TO OUTSIDE THE HOUSE. A GIANT BAGEL IN LEATHER PULLS UP ON A DODGE TOMAHAWK. HE GAZES AT THE MOTHER AND DAUGHTER THROUGH THE WINDOW. 

SFX: ENGINE RUMBLE

CUT IN CLOSE TO SEE A WISTFUL LOOK ON THE GIANT BAGEL’S FACE. 

VO: Brookside Bagels.

THE MOTHER SEES THE GIANT TOMAHAWK-RIDING BAGEL AND SLOWLY CLOSES THE CURTAINS.

CUT BACK TO THE BIG BAGEL. WE SEE A TEAR ROLL THROUGH HIS THICK MUSTACHE.

VO: Make it your little secret.


MENU WRITER: But how many colors do we REALLY need, Boss?

BOSS: (Rips off his glasses) All of them.

Image C/O Urban Spoon



SPOT 3: FUTURE-MAN

A FUTURE-MAN APPEARS OUT OF NOWHERE ON AN EIGHT-WHEELED DODGE TOMAHAWK. 

SFX: BYOH!

THE FUTURE-MAN’S SUIT IS EMBLAZONED WITH THE SMILING FACE OF JUSTIN BIEBER. JUSTIN BIEBER MAKES KISSY-FACES AT A PASSING TWEEN.

A WOMAN ON A BENCH STARES AT THE FUTURE-MAN, STOPPED MID-BITE INTO HER BROOKSIDE BAGEL.

FUTURE-MAN: (Speaking to the woman on the bench) Gak wazza byagel muncha? I fem de few-cha, hyeh!

WOMAN: Um… Excuse me?

THE JUSTIN BIEBER ON THE FUTURE-MAN’S SUIT FLIPS HIS HAIR AND WINKS AT THE WOMAN.

FUTURE MAN: Where gwan byagel grab hyeh?

WOMAN: I’m really sorry… I don’t... I can’t understand you…

THE WOMAN LOOKS CONFUSED AND TERRIFIED. THE FUTURE MAN GETS OFF THE DODGE TOMAHAWK AND POINTS RIGHT AT THE BAGEL, J-BIEB FLICKS HIS HAIR IN ANNOYANCE.

FUTURE MAN: Gwan byagel! Gweeze ya rumbly tumbly miss byench-sitta! Jos fin de byagel git!

WOMAN: I don’t.. I don’t...

THE WOMAN HAS BEGUN TO CRY.

SUIT J-BIEB: Vape boss yeah?

THE FUTURE MAN NODS AND PULLS OUT WHAT LOOKS LIKE A GARAGE-DOOR OPENER. A BLUE FLASH OF LIGHT OBSCURES THE SCREEN.

SFX: BYOH!

THE WOMAN IS VAPORIZED AND HER BAGEL FALLS TO THE BENCH. THE FUTURE MAN REACHES DOWN AND PICKS UP THE HALF-EATEN BAGEL. J-BIEB FAKE-SPITS AT THE PILE OF SIZZLING ASH THAT USED TO BE A LIVING, BREATHING WOMAN.

THE FUTURE MAN TAKES A BITE OF THE BAGEL AND SMILES.

BROOKSIDE BAGELS LOGO APPEARS.

VO: Brookside! Futuristically delicious!


A scrumptious strata.

Image C/O UrbanSpoon



SPOT 4: PA

OPEN INSIDE BROOKSIDE BAGELS. AN OLD MAN, A YOUNGER WOMAN AND HER SON (A TODDLER) STAND AT THE COUNTER.

WOMAN: I’ll have a cheddar bagel with “lite” cream cheese.

BOY: Bacum egg n’ cheese!

EVERYONE AROUND LAUGHS EXCEPT THE DOUR-LOOKING COUNTER GIRL.

WOMAN: What do you want, Pa?

PA SHAKES HIS HEAD.

PA: No, no. No bagel for me.

WOMAN: Oh, pa. You never have a bagel. These are the best! What is wrong with you?

CUT TO A CLOSEUP OF PA’S EYES. WE RUN BACK IN TIME. HIS EYES BECOME YOUNGER, FULLER WITH LIGHT. THE CROW’S FEET MELT INTO TANNED, YOUTHFUL SKIN.


CUT OUT. PA STANDS IN AN OVERGROWN LOT WEARING A BAKER’S APRON. PA CARRIES A BURLAP BAG.

ACROSS FROM PA, A MANGY, BROWN DOG SITS IN THE GRASS.

YOUNG PA: Here boy…

THE DOG SHIES AWAY. ITS FUR IS CAKED WITH DIRT.

YOUNG PA: Oh I’m not going to hurt you, boy. C’mere. C’mon.

THE DOG CONTINUES TO OOCH AWAY. YOUNG PA THINKS FOR A SECOND THEN PULLS A BAGEL FROM THE BAG.

YOUNG PA: Here boy. You’ll like this.

THE DOG STOPS. LOOKS BACK WITH HEAD HUNG LOW.

YOUNG PA: C’mon boy. C’mon.

YOUNG PA CROUCH-WALKS TOWARD THE DOG AND THE DOG STAYS STILL. YOUNG PA GETS THE BAGEL TO WITHIN INCHES OF ITS FACE. THE DOG’S RIBS SHOW THROUGH ITS SKIN. 

WITH A LUNGE, THE DOG TAKES THE MORSEL. YOUNG PA ATTEMPTS TO GRAB ITS FURLS OF SKIN, BUT MISSES. THE DOG BACKS AWAY. 

CUT CLOSE TO YOUNG PA’S FACE. HE HAS AN IDEA.


CUT TO THE SIDEWALK. YOUNG PA IS LEADING THE DOG HOME WITH A TRAIL OF TORN-OFF BAGEL CRUMBS. 


CUT TO YOUNG PA AT THE FRONT DOOR. THE FRAME IS ASKEW AND THE SCREEN IS RIPPED OUT AND BLOWING IN SUMMER HEAT. AT YOUNG PA’S SIDE IS THE DOG, MUNCHING HAPPILY ON THE LAST OF THE BAGEL. A RATTY PIECE OF ROPE TIED AROUND ITS NECK LEADS TO PA’S HAND.


A LARGE, BLACK SHADOW APPEARS IN THE DOOR. ALL WE CAN MAKE OUT IS THE RED BLOOM OF THE END OF A CIGAR. IT ILLUMINATES A BULBOUS, LARGELY PORED NOSE.

YOUNG PA: Hi Pa.

PA’S PA: What’s this?

YOUNG PA: My dog.

PA’S PA: Looks rabid.

SFX: THE DOG WHIMPERS.

YOUNG PA: No he’s not. He’s calm and all. I can feed him and do everything for him. You won’t even know he’s here.

THE DOG LETS OUT A LITTLE TOOT.

SFX: DOGTOOT

CUT TO PA’S PA WRINKLING HIS NOSE.

PA’S PA: Dog probly got rabies. You let him go y’hear.

PA’S PA DISSIPATES BACK INTO THE DARK INSIDE. YOUNG PA LOOKS DOWN AT THE DOG WHO LOOKS BACK UP AT HIM, WAGGING HIS TAIL. 


CUT TO THE RAILYARD. WEEDS SPRING UP AROUND RUSTED TRACKS. YOUNG PA LETS GO OF THE RATTY LEASH. THE DOG DOESN’T RUN. 

YOUNG PA: Go on! Hya!

THE DOG WINCES BUT STAYS SITTING.  YOUNG PA GOES TO LEAVE AND THE DOG FOLLOWS HIM. YOUNG PA TURNS, PICKS UP A CLOD OF DIRT AND CHUCKS IT AT THE DOG. YOUNG PA MISSES BUT THE DOG YELPS AND RUNS AWAY.


CUT TO THE KITCHEN. YOUNG PA IS BACK IN BAKING ATTIRE. HE PLACES A BAG OF BAGELS ON THE DINNER TABLE.

PA’S PA AND PA’S MA SIT AT EITHER END IN GRAY SILENCE. PA'S PA GRABS A PUMPERNICKEL BAGEL.

CUT TO CLOSEUP OF PA’S PA’S MOUTH. HE MASHES PUMPERNICKEL BETWEEN HIS TEETH. FLECKS FALL DOWN INTO HIS GRAYING GOATEE. 

PA’S PA: MMMMmmmmMMM. Love pumpernickel.

YOUNG PA PUTS HIS BAKER’S APRON OVER THE SEAT, TAKES A BAGEL AND ASKS TO BE EXCUSED.

SFX: PA’S MA GRUNTS

CUT OUTSIDE TO A BROWN, MIDWESTERN EVENING. PA SNEAKS TO THE SIDE OF THE PORCH.

SFX: YOUNG PA WHISTLES QUIETLY

CUT TO CLOSE-UP OF DOG’S HEAD EMERGING FROM UNDER THE PORCH. THE DOG HAPPILY EATS THE BAGEL FROM YOUNG PA’S HAND.


MONTAGE OF FUTURE DINNERS: YOUNG PA PUTS A BUNCH OF BAGELS DOWN. PA’S PA GORGES ON PUMPERNICKEL BAGELS. YOUNG PA STEALS A BAGEL AWAY AND FEEDS THE DOG. THE DOG LOOKS HEALTHIER AND HEALTHIER AS TIME GOES ON.


THE MONTAGE ENDS AND WE CUT TO THE FAMILY SITTING AT THE DINNER TABLE, AS SEEN THROUGH A RAINY WINDOW. INSIDE WE SEE YOUNG PA SLIP A BAGEL INTO HIS POCKET. 

CUT TO A CLOSE UP OF PA’S PA’S EYES SLITTING WITH SUSPICION. 

PA GOES OUTSIDE AND FEEDS THE DOG AS NORMAL. BEHIND HIM WE CAN SEE THE RED BULB OF A CIGAR THROBBING IN THE WINDOW.

SFX: THUNDER


CUT TO NEXT DINNER. PA GOES TO FEED THE DOG AS USUAL. 

SFX: PA WHISTLES QUIETLY.

CUT TO DARKNESS UNDER PORCH. WE SEE NOTHING BUT WET, BROWN LEAVES.

SFX: YOUNG PA WHISTLES A BIT MORE LOUDLY

SFX: DOG WHIMPERS

YOUNG PA LOOKS UP. PA’S PA HAS THE DOG IN ONE HAND AND A REMINGTON IN THE OTHER. 

SFX: YOUNG PA GASPS

PA’S PA: This here dog is rabid. 

YOUNG PA: No he’s not.

PA’S PA: Tried to bite me. 

PA’S PA OFFERS OUT THE REMINGTON.

PA’S PA: Either you’re going to do it or I am.

YOUNG PA: But, he ain’t rabid! Please… Just… Just let him go!

PA’S PA: Will you do it? Or do I have to?

YOUNG PA: Pa! Please!

PA’S PA: Alright then.

PA’S PA STOMPS INTO THE WOODS. YOUNG PA, HAIR PLASTERED FLAT TO SCALP, SLUMPS DOWN IN THE MUD AND THE RAIN AND CRIES.

SFX: THUNDER

SFX: GUNSHOT


CUT TO LATE AT NIGHT IN THE BAKERY. YOUNG PA POURS PUMPERNICKEL INTO A BOWL. HE MIXES THE BOWL BY HAND. THEN HE PULLS OUT ANOTHER BAG, ON THE SIDE IS AN UPSIDE DOWN RAT WITH A SKULL NEXT TO IT. YOUNG PA MEASURES OUT A CUP AND POURS IT INTO THE BOWL.


CUT TO THE DINNER TABLE. YOUNG PA PUTS DOWN THE BAG OF BAGELS LIKE NORMAL.

PA’S PA REACHES OUT AND GRABS A PUMPERNICKEL BAGEL. ACROSS THE TABLE, WE SEE YOUNG PA LOWER HIS HEAD. 

CLOSE UP OF PA’S PA’S MOUTH. CRUMBS AND BAGEL-MUSH CHURN THEN DISAPPEAR.

SFX: A TRAIN’S HORN HOOTS SOMEWHERE FAR OUTSIDE.

CUT TO PA’S PA ON THE GROUND, WRITHING AS FOAM SLIPS FROM HIS LIPS AND PLOPS ON THE YELLOWED LINOLEUM.

PA’S MA: (flustered) Call an ambulance! Tell them it’s rabies! Go on! Call somebody!

YOUNG PA STANDS BY THE PHONE. HOLDING THE RECEIVER LIMP AT HIS SIDE.

PA’S MA: (screaming) Call somebody!

SLOW ZOOM ON YOUNG PA’S EYES. WE GO IN AND IN. WRINKLES TUNNEL INTO HIS CHEEKS. THE SKIN YELLOWS AND SPOTS APPEAR AS HIS EYES FADE AND DULL.


CUT TO THE LITTLE BOY, TUGGING ON PA’S SLEEVE IN BROOKSIDE BAGELS. PRESENT DAY.

MOTHER: Don’t be a grouch, Pa! Have a bagel!

BOY: Yeah Popop. Havem begel!

EVERYBODY NEARBY IN LINE LAUGHS, EVEN THE DOUR CASHIER. PA LOOKS AROUND, A SMILE APPEARS ON HIS FACE.

PA: Well, alright.

EVERYBODY: Yayyyyy!

VO: Nobody can resist a fresh Brookside Bagel.

THE BROOKSIDE BAGELS LOGO RIDES IN ON A DODGE TOMAHAWK.



Lush. Luscious.

Image C/O Yelp user Johnathan S.


FOOD: 

3.5 Stars

This is the best bagel I’ve had. Bar nothing. Crunchy outside, soft, fall-apart-moist inside. Every flavor and style: bagelfection. So, why 3.5 stars? Nearly everything else on the menu (except bagels and breakfast sandwiches) is meh.

PRICE: 

Low-ish

Though it is Connecticut, you won't need a country club membership to afford this joint. $5 for a bagel and morning coffee sort of deal.

AMBIENCE:

Afterthought

Wooden furniture. Local art on the walls. Small. For my money, don't eat in. Take it home and enjoy it with some crisp CT air and televised American Football.

SERVICE: 

Simsbury High School

Have you ever ordered anything from a teenager? There you go.

EAT OR SKIP: 

Eat

Anyone who’s said they've had the “best bagel ever” without trying Brookside is a filthy, cretinous liar.