Ruby Tuesday/TGI Fridays/O’Charley’s/Applebee’s/Red Lobster/Olive Garden/Etc. – Philadelphia, PA





.1 Star

This is how you take advantage of people: serve only items that hit all the most widely-shared flavor notes among your key demographics – as indexed and cross-referenced through countless laboratory flavor studies. Then work out a national deal for nothing but the most cost-effective (that means cheapest without being able to taste it) ingredients for your staff to unseal, microwave, warm up or fry, and serve in portions with enough processed calories to feed a North Korean labor camp for a month. Now that’s casual dining!


Too Little Yet Too Much

Math designed to simultaneously accommodate and bilk the majority of proud American citizens.



Every single part of the décor (down to the color of the napkins) has been planned, reviewed by associates, reviewed by managers, reviewed by the CEO, completely redone, laboriously reviewed again by the aforementioned parties, redone slightly and then implemented (with an interior renovation already planned for 4th Quarter 2014). As charming as the firm of the accountant who ran the numbers (no hate on accountants).


 The Only (Kinda) Upside

“So. So. So Drunch! You mean to tell me you’re not happy that food corporations are out there making jobs for hard-working Americans that are simply struggling to make ends meet? You’re saying that you want all the waitresses and hosts and cooks and managers and franchisees of the United States of America -- who decided to call Ruby Tuesday/TGI Fridays/O’Charley’s/Applebee’s/Red Lobster/Olive Garden/Etc. their place of employ -- to be kicked out of their homes and banished, broken and destitute, to overgrown street corners with their tiny children weeping (shirtless!) over torn teddy bears in the pouring, cold rain? Huh? HUH?!”

No. I just wish that these sorts of restaurants didn’t exist. That way, the good people that work there could find another job and the good people that eat there could eat somewhere else. Preferably, somewhere that would support the local economy (of which those workers and eaters are probably contributing members) rather than reverse-funneling money up into the offshore bank accounts of a board of directors who could give somewhere between zero and negative one shits about actual, lovingly-prepared food.



For there is no stopping them.