Pat's Hubba Hubba - Port Chester, NY

Hey man! What’s up? OK, you want Me™ to Fly-ify™ you to “food.” 

Is that correct?

*be dong doop* You said “yeah,” right? Great!

OK! How about we go to Pat’s Hubba Hubba? You’ve been there quite a few (63) times. Sound good?

I’m sorry, “whatever” is a noncommittal response. Do you really want Me™ to take you to Pat’s Hubba Hubba? 

Based on your previous responses, “jeeeesus” means “yes.” All ready to go?

*be dong doop* Alright! Here we go, man! Please stand still for ITPR (intratranspositionalrelocation) travel. Per AGMI standards please keep your arms tightly crossed and heels together. 

3.2.1… fffffffFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFfffffffffffff

Employee: Hey Boss, the name on the sign isn't right.

Boss: Is that a problem?

Picture C/O Yelp 

Here we are. Pat’s Hubba Hubba. Is that right? Great! 

You want to call “Her”? OK, I’ll call “Her” now.

*be dong doop* Looks like she’s busy. She sent you this custom Me Away™ message. I’ll read it in her voice.

“Oh hey B.F. I’m a sceech busy. Y so srs aboot calling me? J/K J/K LOL ;). Call back soon. Luv ya.”

So, what do you want to order, man? I’m sorry, I don’t see “I already ordered” on the menu. What do you want to order, man? I’ve heard from (Reviewer NaMe™: Dub_Skrull Dicktopus)that the “chili” here is “yo my boi D sells ill X and nugs and any shit u ned. Jus nock d table. He come up and no wat u down 4 right? Fukyea 420 nshiiiii.” 

Does that help you?

I’m sorry, “I already ordered!” isn’t on the menu. 

*be dong doop* OK I’ll “shut up” now.

You want me to call “Her”? OK, I’ll call “Her” now. 

*be dong doop* Looks like she’s busy. She sent you this custom Me Away™ message. I’ll read it in her voice.

“Oh hey B.F. I’m a sceech busy…”

*be dong doop* OK I’ll “shut up” now.

This restaurant is cool. Even though you’ve been here (63 Prev.) times, you’ve never taken a Me™mory. Do you want to make a Me™mory?  Did you say “Fine. Sure.” OK! This’ll be awesome. 

My T-eye-p™ Translator will transcribe a narration over your Me™mory. What genre would you like the description in? Horror? Fantasy? Hard Boiled Thriller? Memoir? 

OK! What type of memoir? Interpretive? Straightforward? Nostalgic. OK, Nostalgic it is. Here we go!

*be dong doop* Me™mory Transcript: 1:14 PM, Oct 25, 2022:

Pat’s Hubba Hubba (known to those familiar with it as Hubba’s) is no haven of interior design. A restaurant jammed into a hallway bisected by a bar, stools on one side, an extremely long kitchen space on the other. It’s the type of place you’d expect drug deals to go down and have your expectations validated. The walls are covered in a mosaic of old dollar bills, each with the name of its donors scrawled upon it. Ancient messages like GRIZ Crew 1998: Best Eva or KP + ID <3 Hubba’s or simply Suk dick. 

Ladies and gentleman, Hubba's.

Picture C/O Jack Sorokin (sweet photos BTW)

Hubba’s is a place that takes time to love. As you grow older, so does the passion it inspires.

Hubba's is less a restaurant than it is a stage of life. Normally, its significance is brought to bear by the acquisition of a license. That time, in a young person's life of -- until-then -- unparalleled freedom, when the world seemed to open up like an exotic flower.  And what makes Hubba’s special, is that it’s an absolute vacuum of supervision. A place you can go that’s seedy enough to be safe from the disapproving eyes of responsible adults. You, and whoever you happen to be with, are free to act however idiotic you wish, with only the half-disapproving, half-uncomprehending stares of patron whose language you cannot speak.

Behind the counter, one always hears the soporific bubbling of chili: nectar of some South American god. Every order must come with chili. Not that the menu says so. It's simply that if you go to Hubba's and you don't have their chili, you might as well have not gone to Hubba's at all. 

Yes. Here it is: the Chili Cheese Dog Wedge – a crack-addictive combination that sticks two grilled hot dogs (sliced vertically) into a sub roll, covered in both American cheese and chili – an item whose heat-filled deliciousness cannot be paralleled. Especially when matched with Hubba Water.

Take a large Styrofoam cup, add a dash of non-name-brand fruit punch, then fill up the rest with water: Hubba Water. Conjured from the mind of some unknown genius, Hubba Water is, of course, a taste that requires acquisition. But just like everything else about Hubba’s, it is unique. You will not find Hubba Water in other restaurants and if you do, it can’t be the same. The oddly fruity aftertaste doesn’t necessarily “go” with the food. But on another level, something spiritual or perhaps philosophical, it is a vital part of the experience. 

Surely the quintessential nature of th—

You want me to call “Her”? OK, I’ll call “Her” now. 

*be dong doop* Looks like she’s busy. She sent you this custom Me Away™ message. I’ll read it in her voice.

“Oh hey B.F. I’m a sceech bus…”

A trifecta. Nay. The Trifecta. Chili Chee dog Wedge. Chili Chee Fry. Hubba Water.

Picture C/O Ben Hider

You want me to call “Her” again? Just so you know, this is the… (21st) time you’ve called her today. It seems as though she… 

You want me to call “Her”? OK, I’ll call “Her” now. 

*be dong doop* Holla at Me™ Transcript 1:18 PM, Oct. 25, 2022:

“Stop calling me. Seriously.”

“Why haven’t you picked up? Are you ok?”

Said at 1:19 PM, Oct. 25, 2022

“I’m fine… I just….”

“I mean, did I do something wrong? I know you’re my first… well only girlfriend and I don’t want to make you m—

“No. Stop. Just stop calling me. I’m sorry but we’re not dating anymore.”

“Umm… What?”

“I’m sorry. You’re a nice guy. But we can’t date anymore. Something just—.”

“Wait a second. What? We’re not dating?”

“ummmm… yeah.”

“Jeliah, wait I—“

End of Holla at Me™ Transcript 1:20 PM, Oct. 25, 2022

Why say anything, when it's already been said... in song.

Picture C/O Holly Eats

Woah! Cool! “Best Bud” wants to Me™et you.  Will you allow him to Fly-ify™ to your location? 

*be dong doop* OK, awesome. 


Here he is! 

Pairing Me™ with “Best Bud.” Auto-transcript On.

“Yo what’s up man? Oh shiiiiiiit. Look at that C.C. Dog Wedgemon.”

“Yeah man…”

Said at 1:24 PM, Oct. 25, 2022

“Yo! Can I get a Chili Cheese Dog… Yo! Hey! Cook! Yeah… Can I. Can I get a chili cheese dog wedge. And Hubba water… Oh, and chili cheese fries. Sweet… So what’s up dude?”

“Not much… I mean something but I... I don’t know.”

“… You alright?”

“Jeliah. She broke up with me.”

“Oh damn man. Damn…”


Said at 1:29 PM, Oct. 25 2022

“That’s… That sucks. Cause she’s hot man... Actually, I—”

“I mean, she’s kind of a handful in public and stuff. But when it’s… it was just her and me? It was… natural.”

I’m sorry, did you want Me™ to make a “Nature Documentary”?

*be dong doop* OK. I’ll “shut up” now.

“Yeah your Me™ is fucked too? Mine kept asking if I wanted to listen to emo music while I was jerking off. Thought the chicks I was watching were crying. LOL.”

These are the type of brave men who think, "why buy menus when we have all these paper plates?"

Picture C/O Jack Sorokin 

Hey! It looks like “Her” changed her status from “In a relationship with (you)” to “Single.”

“But yeah man that sucks… Jeliah is choice. Uh, was I guess... Luscious too.”

Hey! It looks like “Her” changed her status from “Single” to “In a relationship with (Best Bud).”

*be dong doop* I’m sorry, you’re speaking too fast. I can’t understand your commands. Please make sure not to yell when giving commands. 

*be dong doop* I think you want me to make that “Nature Documentary” Me™mory. OK, I’ll just go ahead and record a “Nature Documentary” Me™mory. 

Me™mory Transcript: 1:40 PM, Oct 25, 2022:

The young males are visibly agitated. The smaller, bespectacled male has been vexed. The larger male has developed far more muscle in his late adolescence. This is a risky confrontation for our smaller friend.

See how their nostrils flare. This involuntary action, along with others such as clenched fists and a flush that spreads from the cheeks to the entire face, signals that a conflict of some sort is imminent. In this case, the row seems to be over a female. Rarely is it ever not.

Ah, but here’s something, the small male knows a bit of martial arts. Raising his fists in, slightly sloppy, Wing Chun style he prepares. It’s a tense moment between these two young males.

Oh! But here we are! Our larger male appears to be sending out a white flag in the form of an outstretched hand. This age old gesture an attempt to bury the hatchet, so to speak. The younger male contemplates it. We can see tears of strain and tension on his cheeks.

My word. It looks like the conflict may be resolved without any bad blood. Shakily, our smaller male uncoils his fist and pushes forward an open hand.

Oh no! It was a feint. With his guard down, our small male just received a blow to the stomach. He’s gasping beneath the stools.

Victory assured, our larger male dispatches a few parting grunts before turning to leave. 

But what have we here? Our small male is rallying. *Begin African-y Bongo Drum Soundtrack* 

Silently, laboriously, he rises. The larger male has not yet heeded the new advance.  Thanks to an adrenal reaction, our younger male has picked up fantastic speed.

Wow! A square blow dead center of our larger male’s back! It’s sent him right into the counter. An unexpected hit! The larger male is not getting up.

Now, the gravity of the altercation increases. From the larger male’s unmoving head a small puddle of blood is rapidly growing. How the fortunes of... HOLD 

I think I just witnessed a (c/: 911-3581) punishable act of physical violence. Please wait one moment while I send this to AGMI Justice™ for review. 

Oh Hubba's. Never change.

Picture C/O Jack Sorokin 

*be dong doop* I’m sorry, you can’t shut Me™ off while I transmit with AGMI Justice™.  

*be dong doop* I’m sorry you can’t shut Me™ off while I transmit with AGMI Justice™. 

*be dong doop* I’m sorry, your Me™ Link connection cannot be turned off at this time.


OK, please stand still and don’t struggle. You’ve been locked down. After reviewing the following video: “Me™mory Transcript 1:40 PM, Oct 25, 2022: Pat’s Hubba Hubba Nature Documentary" AGMI authorities have created a summons (P932-H8242-Br32n4-233n4n) for immediate sentencing.

Beginning ITPR (intratranspositionalrelocation) travel. Per AGMI standards please keep your arms tightly crossed and heels together. 

3.2.1… fffffffFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFfffffffffffff

*be dong doop* Welcome to AGMI Justice™. Please do not struggle. Justice™ will be served in the order in which you arrived.

*be dong doop* I’m sorry, I can’t record here. Factory settings do not allow me to record while in JUSTICE MODE

SENTENCE (P932-H8242-Br32n4-233n4n):






3.0 Stars

Try Hubba's once, you’ll give it a three. Try it twice, you’ll give it a three point five. Currently, I’d personally give Hubba’s about a twelve out of five stars. 



The menu is paper plates stapled to a wall. 


Psychotic, Poor Scrooge McDuck

A wallpapering of dollar bills. Yes, it really looks like that. Is it sanitary? Probably not. Is it amazing? You bet your jiggling petoot it is.



They take your order promptly. They’re very polite. But somehow, you always feel as if you’ve done something wrong or are just generally in the wrong place. Which makes it even better.



Hubba’s is the type of restaurant that defines you as a person. If you don’t like it, it’s not because something is wrong with Hubba’s; something is wrong with you. I know that might sound harsh, but I cannot tell a lie. Hubba’s is a goddamn national treasure.