Ohno Cafe - Portland, ME

Praise be to Breakfast Sandwich #1!


ALL: Praise be!


His holy matrimony of savory and of hot and of sweet is the divine trinity that binds us.  And so too does it bind today’s sermon.


Let us pray.


ALL: Thy bun be crisped. Thy meat be fresh. Thy egg be unbroken until it is. Amen.


Please rise. In the name of Breakfast Sandwich #1 of Ohno Café we give thanks.




Please be seated.


Today, we turn our holy praise to the three divine qualities of Breakfast Sandwich #1. For in each — in its own way — lies the Truth.


On the mountaintop did not the prophet Elizaeus find the bagel? And into that bagel did he not put the egg? And upon that egg did he not lay the prosciutto and the cheese.


ALL: He did.


And it was good.


Firstly, we praise the savory. It represents the necessity in our lives. Without the savory our egg sandwich would simply be sweet and hot which is an abomination and should be smote.


ALL: Smite it, oh Lord.


The egg and the prosciutto and the cheese imbue the holy creation with its savor. It is the basis of all that is venerable and good in our Sandwich.


Though make not the first mistake, in thinking that savory is everything! It is not all of life! And this mistake — the notion that savory is all there ever need be — is the folly of so many.


I have walked among the wretched masses that take unto their mouths sandwiches unfit for the eating: those microwaved, frozen, abominations. Jimmy Dean! Tyson! Smart Ones! Thy names burn my tongue.


Though hear me! We must not hate those that dine upon these poor excuses, but pity them! They have chased the savor downward and worship a false idol! For they know not what joy they miss. Like Saul, the scales cover not their eyes but the taste buds of their tongues!


This is why, like the savor itself, we must gently salt the wound of their pride. It is our divine right and duty to put them on the true path, the righteous path to Ohno absolution.


ALL: And so we shall.


Secondly, we praise the sweet. Delivered within the joyous gift of syrup that calls us to remember the innocence of our youth. But as always, we must be careful in its amounts. When I was a child, I acted as a child does. Now that I am a man, I must act as a man. We do not douse the sandwich with the syrup! It is the sparing sweetness that gives our savor more power.


A bit of childishness in man is no fault, but never too much. This is the lesson of our maple-glazed prosciutto.


As it was said by Saint Jerome, “He is both the sweetness and the savory. The carrot and the stick of butter. He is all.” And so we must remember that in everything is there soft, easy beauty and hard truth.  


Third, we praise the Tabasco. The Lord said, “be not afraid of Tabasco! It is but the soft lash of my love.”


ALL: We will endure.


For what else is hot? Where else do the fires never cease? Of course, Tabasco is but a reminder of the depths below. It is the reminder that sin is everywhere! Even in the Lord himself! After all, how sweet does sin burn?


He knows us more deeply and fully than we may ever know ourselves, and that is why he reminds us of our fallible nature! It is no coincidence that the sting of the heat lingers long past the taste of his glory!


For I myself have sinned! Yea, even a holy prophet can find himself indulging the devil in his tricks. Indeed, Sandwich #1 can only be got from Ohno and that is right. That is good. But should not such simple ingredients: egg, cheddar, Tabasco, maple syrup and prosciutto, on a bagel, be able to be made by a man such as I? But no! Our hands are not fit to combine such a meal. For I tried!




Yes I tried, in the folly of my past, I tried. And indeed, it brought me to ruin. Over-hot prosciutto. Maple-soaked buns. Burnt egg!


ALL: Lord have mercy.


This is not our place! And the Tabasco is but the gentle reminder in each bite. No! It is our sacred duty to lift up the breakfast sandwich! The one true lord is the source of our joy and we must rejoice in Him alone.


ALL: And so we shall.


Let us pray.


ALL: Holy, Breakfast Sandwich #1. Give to us the goodness that is your savor, the patience that is your sweetness, and the guidance that is your heat. Amen.  


Now please join hands as we sing Hymn Number 83 “Glory (Hallelujah) Thy Number is One”



Ris’n from wheat and egg and meats. Glo----------ry Number One.

King of all ye breakfast treats, Glo----------ry Number One.


Born each morn of holy toil, Glo----------ry Number One.

Rest his girth ‘pon bed of foil, Glo----------ry Number One.


Spice of earth! (Jalapenos He)

Sweet of trunk! (Oh Maple Tree)


Glo----------ry Number One.




Gift of Ohno, gift of light, Glo----------ry Number One.

Bulwark of yon daily fight, Glo----------ry Number One.


Eat’n with everlasting love, Glo----------ry Number One.

Divine sup from high above, Glo----------ry Number One.


Spice of earth! (Jalapenos He)

Sweet of trunk! (Oh Maple Tree)


Glo----------ry Number One.


And now turn one to the other and exchange your love as Breakfast Sandwich #1 would wish.


ALL: Good morning to you. And to you.




4.3 Stars

I know I focused almost exclusively on Breakfast Sandwich #1 here, but it really is that good. Certainly my favorite breakfast sandwich in town by a fair margin. However, the other offerings at Ohno are worthy of praise, Breakfast Sandwich #2 for instance, which is full of avocado, tomato, smoked gouda and turkey.


Just some dawl-ahs

About ~$5 buckaroos, will get you pretty much any breakfast sandwich. Not the cheapest, but certainly not expensive for what you receive.



Made for takeout but there’s still enough space to sit inside and enjoy the nearly ever-present hubbub. Though you may see approximately everyone you know.


Ring ‘er Up

Pretty much all you do is order and wait, so service doesn’t really factor in much.



Just, yes. Ohno Café is such an excellent stop if you want a memorable breakfast bite. Again, even if you normally don’t fancy Tabasco, get the Breakfast Special #1. It’s just so good. The weekends won’t be as quick as weekdays, as the lines can get a bit heftier, but this is no NYC Cronut. You’ll get your food and it will be good.